Grief and happiness..can they co-exist or are they considered mutually exclusive? I have been pondering this question for awhile now and still have not come to a definite decision. And does the grief one feels after a loved one passes away differ from the grief one feels when a loved one voluntarily leaves one's life forever? And how is it possible to be happy with life and grateful for all the blessings one has received yet, still have these feelings of overwhelming sadness and loss?
I have experienced an amazing and wonderful 'shift' that at 52 years old, I would never have thought possible. It began when I lost my only sister who was also my best friend to leukemia in 2002. She was the one person in my life that I could count on, no matter what and it was one of the most heart-rending experiences I have ever had to go through. The grief I felt consumed me so completely that I believed I could never be truly happy again. That was the beginning of my 'search', of what I wasn't sure, but I now know was a search for Me and to help re-establish my relationship with Creator/God/Source and therein I found my happiness. So from this devastating loss something wonderful emerged.
In the middle of this seven-year span, my relationship with my oldest daughter deteriated but I never thought it was beyond repair. I am not going into the details here as I refuse to give them any more energy but in a nutshell, I offered some advice that was unlooked for. It wasn't the smartest thing I ever did but it was offered from a place of total love, and at that time, I thought I was doing the right thing. That was almost 5 years ago and she has not spoken to me since.
Having all these feelings of happiness and joy I decided now would be a good time to reconcile with her and live life happily ever after. So, filled with only positive feelings of love and joy and togetherness, I asked my youngest daughter to find out if she would be interested in a reconciliation. The answer as you have probably guessed was 'No' and upon hearing it, that overwhelming sadness and sense of loss that I had thought gone forever returned.
And so here I am, happy and in love with life, finally feeling my bliss and feeling so blessed and yet, also feeling this overwhelming sadness when I think of never talking to my beautiful, amazing daughter ever again. So I guess grief and happiness aren't mutually exclusive.... that is one question answered..... kind of.
And is the grief you feel the same no matter if the person has crossed over or just cut the ties...well I am still figuring that one out. I still miss my sister's physical presence a lot but I know she would be here if she could and I am okay with that. My daughter has consciously made the decision that she does not want to be in my life so not only do I have to work through the grief of losing her, I have to deal with the tremendous hurt of knowing that it was her choice...which is much worse....another question answered...kind of.
How is it possible to be so happy yet so sad....even after reading and studying all of the 'spiritual' books, I really don't know....but I am extremely grateful that I am where I am right now because if the happiness wasn't there, I am not sure how I would cope. And for that reason alone I am truly blessed.
I think that the grief you feel when someone passes is very different from that of when someone leaves your live voluntarily-for in the passing you know that there is no way on the earthly plane to be with them once more,so you live the relationship in your heart,soul and memory of your time together.This remembrance and sharing of their life's stories with others who loved them allows you to heal your grief and move forward in life.However the reality of being severed from a living loved one is vastly different,as you are acutely aware that you could still enjoy this relationship if you could but repair it.So you are caught in the never ending cycle of trying to fix it and when that doesn't work,trying to accept it,which is difficult and leads back to trying to fix it.I have been here and a line from the Serenity prayer is what helps me cope.THe prayer ,if your not familiar,deals with accepting and changing things with the key line being-'and the wisdom to know the difference.'Such a little distinction, but so hard to do .It seems like you have tried your best to change the situation ,to no avail. So embrace happiness, move forward and try to 'have the wisdom to know'.As time moves on ,life's events may change your daughters heart and there may be a reconcilation.Till then ,be strong.
ReplyDeleteCarrie, you have grown so very much..and have taken the path to help others deal with their grief and I know personally how very much you have helped some individuals...I know you continue to love your daughter and send her that love, at this time that is al you can do...
ReplyDeleteKeep on with your work Carrie your sister I believe is directing you and inspiring you..